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| in my room at home before my Presbytery presentation |
On June 6th I stood up in front of Grace Presbytery, equipped with only my slideshow and a rough idea of what I might say, and presented on my year in India. Thankfully, the words flowed out easier than I expected. They made sense because they were from the heart. I can easily spread the love and joy I felt in India to others. My grandmother and grandfather made a special effort to come to my presentation which made me so happy I cried multiple times during the day. It was such an act of love and support.
Okay...let's talk future. For a long time now I have been considering Seminary. The rough plan had been for me to finish YAV, take a year to work and apply for schools, then attend Seminary. As we all know, making plans on our own can often lead to surprises. Of all the decisions to make in the world, the decision of when and where to go to Seminary is one that I should pray about till the cows come home. I definitely feel called to be in ministry, but I am not sure if that automatically means Seminary. Instead of praying, I was planning. Instead of hearing a call, I was creating a call for myself. Instead of listening to my heart, I was listening to the demands of others. I felt the need to fill the question "what do you want to do after YAV?" with a detailed response that made me appear like I know what I'm doing now. I'll let you in on a little secret....I don't.
My only "career goal" is to do something that I can believe in. Something that I can be proud of. Something that helps others. Particularly something that interacts with youth and families. Particularly something that glorifies God, gives voice to the voiceless, and passes on knowledge. That's all I have right now. So instead of taking a year and taking things slow, I applied for one job. Only one. I did the cover letter and sent it in with low hopes, because the position and organization are amazing. I applied for a data entry position as a Child Sponsorship Associate for a non-profit in Washington DC called the Dalit Freedom Network. Little did I know that I would be sitting here 3 interviews later, biting my nails to see the result of this process. I should know by tomorrow. Please pray for me about this position and my misguided journey in to the realm of vocational discernment.
Today I walked across the threshold at Grapevine First Presbyterian Church for the first Sunday since I got back. It took me a while to mentally prepare myself to actually engage and have small talk about India and my return. I think I was overwhelmed by the thought of going to church not because I am uncomfortable there, but because I was hanging on so dearly to the worship I experienced in Kerala. I still hear the songs of prayer in my ear at night. I still hum "Ninte Hitham" under my breath as I walk along. I still see the girls standing outside the hostel clutching their bibles and chatting before church. I still remember Holy Communion kneeling down at Mandiram, given to me by Thomas Samuel Achen. Even the language is stuck in my head. I constantly think to myself "I will wake up early nale ravile" (which means "tomorrow morning") or "Talk to me about it inne ratri" (which means "tonight"). It is hard to still have those words in my head and have no one to lean over and say it to. I still have so much about Kerala in my thoughts, words, and actions. I didn't want to part with any of that. How could I go somewhere and try to make small talk about it with a community I haven't seen in so long?
I was overwhelmed for no reason. Luckily, the church is not a place where I need to small talk. In fact, people who I expected only wanted to say a few words with me, stood for a while and asked me some really good questions that made me think. People poured out God's grace on me and truly asked me things about the depth of my experience. I was happy to share what I could about the deep things.
I miss the little things in pangs. It feels a lot like homesickness felt. Somedays I just get hit with the absence of a Kerala meal. However, the big things, the things that made me truly cherish my time there, will never go away. My perspective has changed a lot. My knowledge base is broader. I am definitely more aware about what is going on in the world. I have gotten in touch with some gifts of mine. I have better learned to embrace my own limits and faults. I have formed relationships that are so deep that distance does not discourage them from existing. My communities and year in Kerala will never fade.
I am in transition. It is still weird some mornings to wake up and not be in my room at Buchanan hearing the annoying 5:30 am bell. It is still crazy to have 8,000 choices on a restaurant menu or in a grocery store. It is still bizarre to me how much food and water we waste in the U.S. when so many have good nutrition and clean water out of reach. I am falling in to the people I love, asking them for patience with me as I adjust. They are patient and kind beyond my wildest dreams. I am blessed to be in relationship with so many unique and wonderful people throughout the world. I pray that this life I get to live, no matter how bumpy and full of changes, remains rooted in relationship with others.
"The country is in deep trouble. We've forgotten that a rich life consists fundamentally of serving others, trying to leave the world a little better than you found it. We need the courage to question the powers that be, the courage to be impatient with evil and patient with people, the courage to fight for social justice. In many instances we will be stepping out on nothing, and just hoping to land on something. But that's the struggle. To live is to wrestle with despair, yet never allow despair to have the last word.” - Dr. Cornel West
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