Saramilla

The Second Year TTI students swimming in paperwork for their final  files. There is one file for all of their 8 subjects. They are handwritten, and each subject's file is over 100 pages (Believe me, I counted in amazement).  

I have recently discovered some of the inherent problems in saying words like "onumilla" (nothing),"kuzhappam illa" (no problem) and specifically "saramilla" (it doesn't matter/ it's alright). I use these words everyday. They are helpful when I have trouble explaining things, when I get frustrated and others show concern, and when I feel inadequate.

It is almost a "Hakuna Matata" way of looking at life. Sometimes this can be a really productive and helpful way to cease conflict and save time and effort. But why am I so quick to give up on some of the things that matter most? I say "it doesn't matter" when I feel that it is better to back down than to voice my true feelings.

Is this what Christ calls us to do? To be people who sit down and believe that our problems are just going to turn out alright? I believe that is not the case. Biblically that is not the case at all. Christ took on the burdens of those who are heavy laden. Christ sacrificed in order to stand up for his beliefs and the needs of the other.

Because of this I have started to stand up. I have not been standing up in front of crowds and preaching. I have not been drastically changing my surroundings. I have not become a powerful leader or a success story.

I have simply become a person who stands with people.

I was speaking with my YAV group today about some of the things that have been "revealed" to me. One of the biggest lessons that I have learned recently is how important it can be to be idle, and let children give you a ridiculous hairstyle. I have realized that I don't need to structure "game time" or "exercise time" or "fun time" in order for my life at Buchanan to be fun, rewarding and productive.

This year is redefining what "productivity" means to me. I am not working to fill someone else's shoes. I am not working to be anything that I am not. I am not working to force feed students things that I think will be fun.

I am working to listen. To learn what they like. To use trial and error and see where my skills can fit the needs of my school. Where I can be myself fully and spread learning, cheer, and care in the ways that I know how.

The places where these gifts fit are only clarified to me by getting out there and trying things. My trial and error approach has led to some scatterbrained attempts at programming. I bounced from Zumba class to "Word of the Day" to directing games at the hostel. All of those commitments were not fully mine. All of those commitments were me trying to force fun.

By slowing down, listening to my instincts and building trust, my sense of direction has been renewed. I have to go where I am called. I have to stand when I am called to stand. That is the meaning of being a servant. Acting when no one else will. Being trusting when everyone else is skeptical. Being loving when everyone else is hateful.

I don't know if "being" works the same way for everyone, but I do know that for me it is innate. It is being more honest with oneself. It is being aware of how others are honest with themselves. It is about keeping one's eyes open wider than they have ever been. I am reminded of many cartoons in which characters have eyes that pop out of their head when they discover something big.

 "AAAWOOOOGAH" plays on the cartoon sound effects. That sound is also playing in my head.

That is what my eyes are doing. That is what my voice is doing. That is how God is working through me.

Unlike the cartoons, I am not be making the biggest revelations in the world. I am not seeing an anvil falling from the sky and predicting imminent doom. I am seeing how the smallest things, like playing two truths and a lie with students, can be the biggest AWOOOGAH moments.

I am convicted to enjoy washing clothes. I am convicted to fill some basic educational needs. I am convicted that I am going to continue hanging around with students listening to them, learning from them, and rooting for them with all that I have.

Not because it is easy, but because it matters. I don't think this is the correct Malayalam, but I am going to start saying "Saram ondu" which to me means " yes, it matters."

 I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to struggle. I am going to hear the students struggles. All I can say to them, and to you, is that all of this does matter, no matter how small it feels.

It matters. I am called to be here and say exactly that and continue getting my hair braided by a bunch of 11 year olds.

" Jesus I want to be on your right side or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right side or your best side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition, but I just want to be there in love an in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world."-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. from The Drum Major Instinct