Hoping through the Struggle

in my room at home before my Presbytery presentation

Let the official blog-record show that I have returned home to the U.S. safely. I am currently living at my parents house in Trophy Club, and I have been spending the past 3 weeks unwinding, adjusting, and enjoying people who I missed while I was abroad.

On June 6th I stood up in front of Grace Presbytery, equipped with only my slideshow and a rough idea of what I might say, and presented on my year in India. Thankfully, the words flowed out easier than I expected. They made sense because they were from the heart. I can easily spread the love and joy I felt in India to others. My grandmother and grandfather made a special effort to come to my presentation which made me so happy I cried multiple times during the day. It was such an act of love and support.

Okay...let's talk future. For a long time now I have been considering Seminary. The rough plan had been for me to finish YAV, take a year to work and apply for schools, then attend Seminary. As we all know, making plans on our own can often lead to surprises. Of all the decisions to make in the world, the decision of when and where to go to Seminary is one that I should pray about till the cows come home. I definitely feel called to be in ministry, but I am not sure if that automatically means Seminary. Instead of praying, I was planning. Instead of hearing a call, I was creating a call for myself. Instead of listening to my heart, I was listening to the demands of others. I felt the need to fill the question "what do you want to do after YAV?" with a detailed response that made me appear like I know what I'm doing now. I'll let you in on a little secret....I don't.

My only "career goal" is to do something that I can believe in. Something that I can be proud of. Something that helps others. Particularly something that interacts with youth and families. Particularly something that glorifies God, gives voice to the voiceless, and passes on knowledge. That's all I have right now. So instead of taking a year and taking things slow, I applied for one job. Only one. I did the cover letter and sent it in with low hopes, because the position and organization are amazing. I applied for a data entry position as a Child Sponsorship Associate for a non-profit in Washington DC called the Dalit Freedom Network. Little did I know that I would be sitting here 3 interviews later, biting my nails to see the result of this process. I should know by tomorrow. Please pray for me about this position and my misguided journey in to the realm of vocational discernment.

Today I walked across the threshold at Grapevine First Presbyterian Church for the first Sunday since I got back. It took me a while to mentally prepare myself to actually engage and have small talk about India and my return. I think I was overwhelmed by the thought of going to church not because I am uncomfortable there, but because I was hanging on so dearly to the worship I experienced in Kerala. I still hear the songs of prayer in my ear at night. I still hum "Ninte Hitham" under my breath as I walk along. I still see the girls standing outside the hostel clutching their bibles and chatting before church. I still remember Holy Communion kneeling down at Mandiram, given to me by Thomas Samuel Achen. Even the language is stuck in my head. I constantly think to myself  "I will wake up early nale ravile" (which means "tomorrow morning") or "Talk to me about it inne ratri" (which means "tonight"). It is hard to still have those words in my head and have no one to lean over and say it to. I still have so much about Kerala in my thoughts, words, and actions. I didn't want to part with any of that. How could I go somewhere and try to make small talk about it with a community I haven't seen in so long?

I was overwhelmed for no reason. Luckily, the church is not a place where I need to small talk. In fact, people who I expected only wanted to say a few words with me, stood for a while and asked me some really good questions that made me think. People poured out God's grace on me and truly asked me things about the depth of my experience. I was happy to share what I could about the deep things.

I miss the little things in pangs. It feels a lot like homesickness felt. Somedays I just get hit with the absence of  a Kerala meal. However, the big things, the things that made me truly cherish my time there, will never go away. My perspective has changed a lot. My knowledge base is broader. I am definitely more aware about what is going on in the world. I have gotten in touch with some gifts of mine. I have better learned to embrace my own limits and faults. I have formed relationships that are so deep that distance does not discourage them from existing. My communities and year in Kerala will never fade.

I am in transition. It is still weird some mornings to wake up and not be in my room at Buchanan hearing the annoying 5:30 am bell. It is still crazy to have 8,000 choices on a restaurant menu or in a grocery store. It is still bizarre to me how much food and water we waste in the U.S. when so many have good nutrition and clean water out of reach. I am falling in to the people I love, asking them for patience with me as I adjust. They are patient and kind beyond my wildest dreams. I am blessed to be in relationship with so many unique and wonderful people throughout the world. I pray that this life I get to live, no matter how bumpy and full of changes, remains rooted in relationship with others. 

"The country is in deep trouble. We've forgotten that a rich life consists fundamentally of serving others, trying to leave the world a little better than you found it. We need the courage to question the powers that be, the courage to be impatient with evil and patient with people, the courage to fight for social justice. In many instances we will be stepping out on nothing, and just hoping to land on something. But that's the struggle. To live is to wrestle with despair, yet never allow despair to have the last word.” - Dr. Cornel West

Journeying Back to Texas on May 14th

Dear friends, family, supporters, followers, and anyone else who might grace this page,

I want you to know a little more about me. I have written a lot about what is happening in my life in India. I have told you some fluffy stories, and hopefully some deep ones. I have had a lot of things happening to me, but more than anything there have been a lot of things happening within me. 

For example, I have always been a family person. I am fiercely close with my mother, father, and brother, and I am lucky enough to have two extra siblings in my cousins Carson and Sydney (not my only cousins, just the ones who have lived close to me my whole life), along with amazing and caring Aunts and Uncles. Both of my sets of grandparents, the people who started it all, are inspirations to me. I have spent much of my time with my grandparents throughout the years. 

I have spent Christmas in Alabama and days on the beach with my mom’s father whom I call Big Daddy. I have spent many hours relaxing, watching movies, and shopping with my mom’s mother, Grandmommy. I have played games of golf, seen a space shuttle launch, and traveled around the world with my father’s dad whom I call Grosspop (it’s a German thing). 

My final grandparent, who I’d like to talk about for a little while, is my father’s mother. I call her Grandbeth. She has cancer. This is not a new fact about my grandmother, and she has definitely never let it define her. In fact, I don’t know if I have seen my grandmother get very scared before. Fear doesn’t really stick in her personality. She is a warrior against this cancer. She is fighting with her entire heart. 

Her fighting attitude is still present today, but with the cancer in her brain and chemotherapy in the mix, the ball game has changed a little. We are bravely facing this new road together, but since I have been in India, I feel so far away. I feel unable to support them with such distance between us. With every little update I get from home, I become more and more pulled toward Texas. 

Recently, the updates have given me a new sense of urgency. Changes are happening at home that I am not present for, and that I am not prepared to take on thousands of miles away from my family. I have a chance to be with the ones that I love, and it is not a chance I want to miss. 

Everytime I get news in India, I want to know how my Grandbeth is doing. Now all I want to know is, when can I see her? When can I hold her hand? I have thought and prayed. I have lost sleep. I have talked with those who love and support me here in India and at home in the U.S.

The resounding answer I hear is, “Rachel, July is too late. Your heart is there with your family….your body just happens to be in India.”

Being in this state is no way to finish my time here. It would simply be a time of waiting. I could try to accomplish things, but overall I am not fully “in” my work here. I feel that God is calling me to finish my ministry by sitting next to my Grandmother and by serving my family. 

India has taught me so much about the importance of family, more so, the importance of people taking care of each other. People here easily become extended family. I have been lucky enough to have many extended families here in India. Jaimol Kochamma and family, Thomas John Achen and family, My YAV family, The Buchanan School family, the B.I. Boarding family, the KNH Hostel family, the Pakil School family, the Moolertam School family, the Speechly College family, the Speechly School family, the CMS School family and now, the Mandiram Society family. 

It isn’t just kindness that has been extended to me here. It has been a warmth so sincere that it has transformed me.  I gave care to others, that is certainly true, but mainly my extended families gave care to me. Jaimol Kochamma has seen me cry countless times and buys me a loaf of bread every time I feel sick. I will never forget talking with her, her husband, and her amazing sons in their beautiful home. Thomas John and Betty Kochamma have opened their home and their hearts to me. I will never forget laughing in the kitchen with Betty Kochamma. I will never forget sitting on the porch and having Bible Studies with Achen. 

Nicole, Claudia, and Ian have also been a great (though admittedly dysfunctional) extended family in India. I am so thankful for Nicole’s openness, Claudia’s faith, and Ian’s adaptability. They are three incredibly gifted, loving, and generous people who have played a huge part in my family life here. I will also, of course, never be able to thank Ian enough for putting up with me for 3 weeks across Northern India.   

My Buchanan family, teachers and students alike, have helped me to grow: Bindu teacher giving me a theological lecture on Lent and fasting, Omanna teacher taking me to the hospital on her scooter, Manju teacher practicing Malayalam with me, Sanila and Janey teacher opening their homes to me. I don’t know how to repay each teacher for their love, laughter and guidance. 

My students challenged me and respected me, made me laugh every day, and empowered me. They made me feel like I was actually a good teacher, which is no small feat to accomplish. This case is true with every school community I have had the opportunity to visit. Teaching in school was not the easiest thing in the world, but no matter how scared I felt about it, after I taught a class I was always glad that I did it.

I can’t even begin to explain every facet of living in the hostel to you. I can tell you that there is no experience I cherish more. Nothing this year has been more transformative, more life changing than living in the hostel. The girls have taught me how to be strong, how to let loose, and how to love others in new and different ways. Each and every girl, each and every face, will pop in to my head now and then. They will be etched in my mind forever as some of the biggest mentors in my life. I hope they can say the same thing about me. I love them and care for them just as fiercely as I love my family, my friends at home, and even the youth groups that I have served at Second Pres. and First Pres. Grapevine. I have become loyal to this group of girls. It is going to be very hard to tear myself away from them early. Since school is out, we will not all get a proper goodbye. I will have to settle for leaving them letters and photos and telling them to write to my address in America when they have the chance. They deserve so much more than that, so I keep telling myself I will come back and visit them; that this is just see you later. 

My heart is breaking because I am leaving, but my heart is also healing knowing that I will soon be seeing loving faces who have been missing me for 9 months. 

So to sum it all up, I am leaving Kerala on May 14th. I am taking this time to say goodbyes and try to be as present as I can be here at Mandiram.  I am not fully ready to take this step, but I know it is the right one. I hope that in the next week I can develop some sense of the statement “I’m ready to leave” and make it true for myself….as true as it can be….with God’s help.

I am so excited to share my stories with you all personally. I can’t wait to come back to my church and share how this mission has transformed me. I will obviously need some time to adjust when I get back to the U.S., but more than being ready to leave India, I am ready to share my experience with those in the U.S. I am ready to tell the stories of my year in Kerala truthfully and compassionately to those who really want to listen. 

Ultimately, I thank God for this opportunity. I thank God for those who have ministered to me and those I have been able to minister to.  I thank God for the YAV program and my fellow YAVs representing mission service all around the world. I don’t know how else to express myself but with utter gratitude to God. God guided me here and now is guiding me back home. I pray for those I am leaving behind, and I pray for those I am moving toward. I pray for all of the people in the world who have known suffering, and I ask them to walk with me. I ask that all of us can live together knowing that each of us feels pain in different, beautiful, unique ways. I pray for the joy and happiness of every person whose life has somehow intersected with mine, even the people who I may not have said hello to before.  I pray that God will watch over my family while I cannot. 

I pray. I try. I prepare. 

This is the phase I am in my friends. I hope you can all understand. Your support is so precious to me. 

“The soul is not where it lives, but where it loves.”-H.G. Bohn

Sunrise Sunset

The view from my hammock.

Here we are in Goa, the last leg of our trip. This trip hasn’t been the smoothest, easiest, most relaxing travel experience in the world. In fact, Ian and I are beat. Luckily Goa is just slow enough to accept the fact that all we want to do is sleep all day in the sun only occasionally dipping in to the ocean to cool off. It is nice to have sun and sand and beach to end some amazing, but stressful travel.

Let me give you the highlights since I last updated you. Amritsar was such a blessing to us. We made many friends there and it seemed as if half of our Guest House was on the bus we took to Dharamsala. When most people think say they are visiting Dharamsala, they actually mean they will be staying in McCleod Ganj. McCleod Ganj is the sleepy mountain town that houses the Dalai Lama’s temple and is inhabited by many Buddhist monks working with the exiled government of Tibet.

As we drove up in the bus, the Himalayas hit me straight in the heart. I have been wanting to see the Himalayas for my entire life, and let me tell you, they don’t disappoint. I literally felt like crying or laughing hysterically the first time I saw them.  They are that immense and enchanting.  The first day we were there we went on a hike to a beautiful waterfall in the nearby town of Bagsu. Strewn with shops and prayer flags, the mountains were warm and welcoming.

The next day I woke up feeling bad….really bad. I struggled with a fever and chills the whole day, alongside some serious stomach issues. Everyone will tell you that you’ll get sick traveling in India. It’s something I thought was a bit of a myth. Yeah, I’ve had some issues in Kerala, but most of them had to do with my personal carelessness. Traveler sickness is a real thing here, but you can avoid it by being careful. I was so excited about traveling that I forgot to be careful about my eating. So if you are thinking about coming to India for travel, DO IT!!! Just don’t eat from a bus stand like silly old me. I am fairly certain that’s what gave me my little 48 hour bug.

Sunrise over Delhi

Anyways, I was too sick to travel so we stayed an extra day in McCleod Ganj and rearranged our plans a bit. My plans were to be having a rooftop dinner in Agra on the evening of my 23rd Birthday….instead we boarded an overnight bus to Delhi that was driven by a man who must have had something chasing him. He drove faster and crazier than I ever thought was possible in a big chartered bus.  It was a jarring experience to say the least. We arrived in Delhi at 4 a.m. dazed and ready to get some actual sleep. The sunrise over Delhi was a beautifully peaceful way to arrive.  Delhi seemed like an entirely different place by the dim glow of morning.

In Delhi we recooperated, had a nice evening at a big shopping mall, ate at Hard Rock Café and Hagen Daaz, and we took a crazy day trip to Agra.

The day trip was crazy not only because we saw the Taj Mahal, one of the seven wonders of the world, but also because the minute I stepped off the still moving train in Agra, I fell and sprained my ankle.


In a crowded train station where no one speaks your language, it is pretty crazy to be injured, cursing and crying.

 Luckily, we made a helpful friend who also had a taxi service. He took us to a medical store and got me ointment and a cloth wrap for my ankle.

He then took us to the Taj, and to a beautiful workshop where traditional Mughal marble work is still being done. We got back just in time for a crowded train back to Delhi.

Another crazy travel experience came promptly after my ankle sprain, a 4:30 a.m. train to Jaipur.  Once we found our train car, Ian and I slept until we had almost reached our destination.

The morning train thing wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated. We rested all day our first day in Jaipur and enjoyed our beautiful hotel, which also had a delicious restaurant. We ate there for every meal.

Monkey at the Monkey Temple

In Jaipur we got lucky and found a driver who would take us to all of the big sites in 2 days for a decent price. We saw The Amber Fort, The Monkey Temple, some Mughal Tombs, The Central Museum, the Jantar Mantar, The Palace of the Winds, The Water Palace and many roadside markets.

We figured out that the autorickshaw drivers who offer to take you on a tour generally have a few friends who own nice shops. They take you to these shops to support their friends. It is a pretty clever way to help out your buddies. Take some gullible tourists to “insider” shops and they will most likely buy something. Ian and I splurged and got wall-hangings for our homes that are hand embroidered and made with vegetable dye.  I also bought too many earrings from a silver jewelry shop.

Jaipur is in the state of Rajasthan which is said to be one of the most beautiful states in India. I loved seeing the women dressed in bright colors.  They were great accessories to the beautiful desert sunsets. I would love to travel around Rajasthan more and get to see the “real desert” which is further inland. We Texans are quite partial to desert-style- beauty. It seems that almost every place we have been, I have told myself that I will return someday. There is so much to see in India. So much that swings open the doors of your mind and soul. I can’t help but know that I am meant to come back here. India is telling me all about it.

Sunset

We actually took an easy flight to Goa and gave ourselves a break on the intensity of our travel. We got to Goa easily and we are staying in Goa easily. Everything is incredibly laid back. Most of my days have been spent laying in the sun reading books, so it has been the perfect way to wind down.

Goa is also a little strange. Sometimes I feel like beaches transport you into a different world. My experience of Goa is no different. It is like an alternate universe where you forget you are in India.  It is endless blue water, clean sands and foreigners, so quite literally it feels like we could be somewhere in Europe right now.  It is nice to have this little escape, but I am happy to return to Kerala in a few days. I have missed the place I call home.

So things have been shocking, difficult, new and strange. Things have also been incredibly beautiful, meaningful, and transformative. We have met so many brave, interesting, friendly travelers along the way. They have inspired me with their willingness to put themselves outside of their comfort zones and just go out there and take on the world.

Meeting so many travelers has also made me thankful for the opportunity YAV has given me to really get to know one place. There is no way that I could absorb the individual culture of Rajasthan after staying there for 3 days, but with Kerala, I have learned the language, fallen in love with the community, and adapted to many parts of the culture. It is amazing that in this program we get to first develop a new sense of the word home, then go out and see how others make their homes in India. I wouldn’t trade either experience for the world.

My quote comes in the form of a photo today. This was carved in the marble at the Central Museum in Jaipur: " 'Tis from the soul the man within, that actions all their value win; No outward state, whate'er it be, affects an action's quality." - from the Mahabharata 

Delhi and Amritsar

Indiaaaaaaa!

I originally wanted to write a blog in each place on the All India tour, but staying in Delhi seemed like it came and left faster than the blink of an eye. We did a lot of walking in Delhi, we saw some major sites, and we learned to navigate the metro.

@ Live

We stayed near the New Delhi Railway station in an area called Paharganj. The place was bustling with life and I loved the main bazaar area. You could see a shop filled with amazing spices, fresh fruits, and authentic hand carved treasures right up next to internet cafes and tourist traps. It was a cool mix of old and new. The vehicles reflected that as well. A sports car around one corner and a mule pulling a bullock cart around the next. The cows lazily sat in the middle of the traffic every once in a while, causing everyone to simply pause and weave around them.

Our first day in Delhi was overwhelming to say the least. I would recommend staying at least 3 days in Delhi to other travelers because we needed one full day to adjust to the completely different atmosphere. Kerala is a laid back place and generally a place filled with warm and friendly people. In Delhi, it was confusing to find out that many people were trying to scam us simply because we were travelers. We had a lot of outrageous offers and instances of people following us after we refused. It was also really difficult to be irritated at these people. They clearly needed the money they were trying to get us to pay. They clearly were asking for some sort of reason. The people got inside my head a little bit, as did the poverty juxtaposed with extreme wealth.

Red Fort

That first night we relaxed for the evening at a cool place in Connaught Place called @live. There was a very nice Malaysian band that played stuff like....Eric Clapton, Billy Joel, Bob Dylan. It was a nice place to unwind and enjoy ourselves after a pretty stressful 24 hours.

The Second Day we traveled via Metro to The Red Fort, Humayun's tomb, and the Lotus Temple. The Metro was a great way to get around.

The Red Fort was so astoundingly huge, we wandered around through the crowds of people just kind of dritfting from place to place.

Humayun's Tomb

Humayun's Tomb was definitely the favorite of the day. The architecture and marble work was so detailed. Walking up to this place we were both just completely struck by how immense the main tomb area was. It was also a lot less crowded.

 The Lotus Temple was also a good experience. A nice example of modern Architecture. lt was also a great opportunity to meet volunteers at the temple from all around the world. We met a guy named Taylor who was only 19 and had been living and volunteering at the temple for 3 months who was from Baltimore, Maryland. The Lotus Temple is a Baha'i holy site.

The Lotus Temple

The next day we headed to Amritsar in a 12:45 train. We were projected to arrive around 10:55 at night. We wasted time by talking to people, reading, and laughing at a really cute kid named Sacshem who ran around the train crying "doo dooo dooo dooooo." Suddenly at around 10:20, our train came to a stop....a long long stop.

Once we hit about 10:50, Ian got up and asked one of the train workers what was going on. Through a lot of Hindi and confusion, Ian fugured out that we were supposed to get off of our train and on to a passing train to Amritsar. Apparently our train was going to be stuck for a while. I trusted his judgement and we just grabbed our stuff and went for it. We hopped off of our train and onto the rocks. When the train came on to the neighboring track it didn't stop....it just kind of crawled. So I can now mark "jump on to a moving train" off of my Bucket List. haha.

The Golden Temple

We arrived pretty late to the hotel and passed out. The next day we woke up and met some friendly fellow travelers. We decided to go to the Golden Temple with Iris, a French girl who has been traveling around India for Six months.

Ian and Iris in a traditional rickshaw!

Sree Durgyana Temple

She has been a great friend here to both me and Ian. She is so young, only 20 years old, and so brave. We ate lunch at the Golden Temple in the Temple kitchen which was SUCH a crazy/awesome experience. Afterwards we got slices of coconut and took a rickshaw to the Sree Dugyana Temple (also called the silver temple) nearby. It was equal to the Golden Temple in it's stunning intricacy. Sree Durgyana is a Hindu holy site, and The Golden Temple is a Sikh holy site.

Flags at the Border Closing Cermony

In the evening we traveled with a big group of travelers to the India/Pakistan Border Closing Ceremony. It was a serious display of patriotism including long loud hooping and hollering, border guards doing high kicks and lowering the flags.

Today is a new day and Amritsar is wide open. Tomorrow we will be heading to Dharamsala/ McCleod Ganj with our new friend Iris!

 "The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."-St. Augustine

Gethsemane

It is the night before Good Friday and appropriately, I can't sleep.  In Mark, Jesus asks his disciples to stay awake with him through the night in the garden of Gethsemane. At first it seems like a question of group solidarity, but toward the end of the passage, we get a glimpse of a very life-like Jesus. He is on edge.

In Mark chapter 14, verse 36, Jesus agonizingly gives over his feigned control, "Abba, Father, remove this cup from me; yet not what I want, but what you want."...but Jesus is the only one praying. He only hears the sound of his own voice and the crickets outside.

When Jesus finds those silly disciples conked out and snoring, we see his torture. "Simon, are you asleep? Could you not keep awake one hour?" Jesus asks them to pray for him. You know the line..."his spirit is willing, but his flesh is weak."

I don't think Simon just rolled over and said "yeah, yeah, yeah...just go to sleep you weirdo." Simon and his friends just have nothing to say. They are sleepy. Sleep is something that everyone needs. Why would Jesus want to go without sleep? They could pray during the day. They could pray tomorrow morning.  Maybe they didn't get why praying would be such an urgent thing in the middle of the night.

Was Jesus looking for group solidarity? Did Jesus really need the support of his friends to make it through what must have been the most difficult night of his life? Maybe. Maybe Jesus longed for support and love just as we all do. Maybe Jesus was just like one of the inmates in the geriatric ward here at Mandiram. Maybe all he needed was a loving touch and some words of kindness on that night.

Would the outcome have been different if Simon and the other disciples had gathered around their leader for an all night candle lit vigil? Probably not. Jesus (being Jesus) must have known that fact. He shows in verse 36 whose "wants" will be met. So why did Jesus want prayer and support? Why did he want something he knew he didn't really need?

I enjoy the language and the urgency in this passage. Jesus yells "Keep awake!" and "Enough!" and gets a little sassy with Simon. The most subtle urgency to me however, is the use of the word "want" instead of the word "need."

If you replace the word want with need, we end up with "yet not what I need, but what you need." This would imply that Jesus would have felt so attached, so obligated to his body just as it was, that he felt the need to stay. It implies that Jesus was deciding to sacrifice his needs for an assignment from God. When the crucifixion becomes something that God needed Jesus to do, it becomes a little less special.

Instead we are presented with a savior who wanted life, wanted support, wanted love just like everyone else in this world. Instead we are presented with a Jesus who is willing to transform the idea of what he wanted for himself. Jesus places wants out of his hands. He trusts in the thing God wants for all mankind.

God wanted to show humanity the true meaning of servanthood. God wanted to forgive his people. God wanted to watch his son transform from a physical body, to a body of followers.

On this night, I am thinking about all of the special times this year that I have been reminded of what I want and what I need. The times that have truly changed me are not the times in which I have sacrificed or fulfilled a need. The times that have transformed me are the ones where I can truly say, this is what I want. Or, more importantly, this is what God wants for me.

I am currently having difficulty embracing my decision-making pattern. It is amazing how lucky I get with opportunities in life. Most of the time the thing that sticks in my head, the thing that I really can't stop thinking about, is where I end up. It happened with Austin College, it happened with YAV, and it is currently happening with Austin, TX. I just have that city (and one particular job) stuck in my head. I am chasing after a job, something I need, but I hope that I can eventually say that it is what I want.

I also sometimes just have random things tossed in my wake that throw me for a loop. I am going to be co-teaching a Conversational English Class at Kumarakom Lake Resort each Saturday of the summer (and maybe for the rest of my time here in India.) It was great to meet some of the staff who will be taking the class today. Most of them are trying to make it in the tourism industry and are struggling to move up because of their level of English.

It is open to all positions at the Resort, so we expect to be serving people from all kinds of backgrounds and all different levels of English. I hope that it will be an opportunity to help these people succeed and serve them in a way that I know how. It will be a challenge for me, but hopefully a challenge that I can accept.

It challenges me in other ways because today's meeting made me feel unnecessarily powerful. A free lunch at the Resort restaurant, a tour of the grounds and an offer for a free houseboat ride. All of that hospitality was given from the heart, but I don't think I can do the job well if I feel somehow...compensated for the service. In order for this to feel right, it has to feel like I am volunteering. I just have to stand my ground and discern what I deeply and meaningfully want to give to, and take from this experience.

I will not let material, superficial wants get in the way. Only the transformative ones. Only the wants that God nods at through the loving body of Christ.

Thank you for not falling asleep on me. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Please continue to pray with me.

Newness

I am sitting in my new flat here at Mandiram Society. I "moved in" yesterday with the help of Ian and a very kind staff member, Baby Sir. I was proud of myself for only bringing 3 small bags for the entire summer. I will be staying at Mandiram for a very small part of April and all of May for summer vacation since classes have ended.

Let me fill you in a little bit about Mandiram. It solely serves as an old age home. The residents consist of both paid residents and people called "inmates." Inmates are typically people who are not here by choice. Many are sick and may not have a family to take care of them. In Kerala, it is custom for the youngest son to take care of their parents once they get old. By take care I don't just mean visit them when they are sick, I mean the whole family lives together. Mom, Dad, children, grandma and grandpa.

The value placed on inter-generational living is something that is pretty central to Kerala life. Many of the inmates are not just physically suffering from old age, many are also emotionally suffering from a missing piece of their lives: being cared for by their children. At Mandiram they get round the clock care from a nursing staff, food from the mess hall, and lots of pastoral care. The staff and ministers running the place try to fill in the gaps in the hearts of inmates and paid residents alike.

Mandiram has many other programs. I am still learning about some, but one that is very dear to me is the Balika Mandiram orphanage. The orphanage is home to around 10 vibrant, smart, funny, adorable girls. The girls go to good schools and are sponsored by donors to Mandiram Society. They live in the same building as the inmates, who are fondly called the "ammachis and appachens," grandmas and grandpas in Malayalam. So, in a way there is a new kind of family unit here at Mandiram. It is bigger and not what every person is used to, but to the youngest girls in the bunch, this is literally home. Sarah, age 6 and Leya, age 9, have been living here since they were tiny. Manna, age 3, came directly from the hospital to Mandiram.

I have been here before, as you may remember from previous blogs. My program mate Nicole was here before she left India in November. I fell in love with the community with her. It was difficult for me to imagine what Mandiram would be like without Nicole. I was worried that I might get here and feel like I was trying to fill a void. I was worried that people would miss Nicole too much to want to interact with me.

Of course my worries and predictions were futile. People here definitely miss Nicole a lot, but it actually feels really good to be a link for her here. I can tell the people she loves so dearly that she is doing well where she is. Just like a family, they are immensely happy that she is happy. The community is also so warm and inviting toward me as an individual. I already feel at home here, and it sounds like May will be pleasantly busy.

So, why will I only be here for a small part of April and the full month of May? Because on April 9th Ian and I leave for our ALL INDIA TOUR 2012!!!!! I am beyond excited! Let me give you a rough outline of our itinerary.

April 9- Delhi (Red Fort!)
April 12- Amritsar (Golden Temple!)
April 15- Dharamsala/ McCleod Ganj (Tibetan government in exile! Himalayas!)
April 19- Agra (MY BIRTHDAY! TAJ MAHAL!)
April 22- Jaipur (The Pink City!)
April 26- Goa (Palolem Beach! Hippies and Sun!)
May 1- Return to Kochi

Sorry for the one million exclamation points. I have exceeded my exclamation quota for this post by leaps and bounds. Please pray for Ian and I as we prepare for the journey. It will be interesting to switch roles from "culturally quasi-assimilated foreigner" to "tourist." It will also be interesting to navigate these new places and navigate new parts of our teamwork abilities. Expect updates as we journey along! The swanky North has some hotels with internet (ooooooooo)

In conclusion, my life is an open book right now. I feel full of possibilities, ready to use my gifts when I am called, and ready to adventure out into the unknown when it is necessary. I feel stronger and more focused than I have in a long time. I am so glad for God's gift of compassion. I feel it radiating throughout this community and resonating deeply in my heart.

last week's YAV India meeting at Mandiram

"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them we cannot survive."- The Dalai Lama

Time After Time

The Second Years from left to right: Vanitha, Libya, Lintu, Joshmi, Me, Leena, Deepa, Merlin, Jincy and Tincy. 

I am sitting here crying, trying to pull it together for prayer. This is the Second year TTC students’ last full day at the hostel. They leave tomorrow morning after a candle light ceremony and breakfast. We have spent this last day together well. I’d like to share some of it with you.

First you have to know that Mariamma Kochamma has a phone that plays the radio. She plays it at all times. This morning a song came on the radio at breakfast that made us all sing along. It was the song Onaveyil. I remembered watching the Second years teaching the children’s hostel how to dance to this song. The children performed their dance at our boarding Christmas program. Across the table, plates and tea, the Second years acted out the dance. It made me really happy to see them dance sitting down.

We then moved to prayer. Each day during exams the Second year girls have been going to our hostel morning prayer and an additional prayer service that they have organized at the school’s chapel. For the last three mornings I have joined them. They sing a song, read a verse from the bible, pray for quite some time, then sit in the pews for a final bible reading. Today instead of doing a bible reading in the pews, we sat in silence facing the front. Suddenly all of the girl counted off “1-2-3-start”

“Happy Birthday to you…” was sung to Leena in the pews. Today was her birthday. Leena is the only girl in the hostel who is almost my exact age. Actually she is a month older than me. Today she turned 23. As we all faced the front and she listened to her best friends sing her a final happy birthday song, she started to cry. So did many of the other girls. It marked the mood for the day, both joyful and sad.

I worked on a few projects as the girls packed their bags. Many also went to the nearby town of Chingavanam to buy goodies. One of my projects today was for a girl who is also leaving the hostel for good, Aleena. Aleena speaks English very well and asked me to write her a story with illustrations and a princess. Those were her demands, so last night I took off writing. Before I knew it I had written 7 pages…then 9 pages…. then 15 pages….and by the end of it I had completed a 20 page story (handwritten) with illustrations. It is a story within a story actually, and I am pretty proud of it. The title of it is “Camels and Kings: the Ragtime Adventures”. The title is a work in progress. haha. Maybe someday I will post it on here if you guys are interested in reading it.

(This next part is written after evening prayer)

 The rest of the day I wrote little notes on bookmarks that I was going to give the Second year girls at evening prayer. I also gave them special gifts. They were just little novelty crystal models for 25 rupees a piece….maybe the best way I have ever spent my money. The girls also donated a spanking new tablecloth to the study lounge. It was a good way to contribute to beautifying our hostel.

After tea and during evening prayer we had a huge filming session. We filmed songs, dramatic and adorable walking scenes, scenery shots, and ten minutes of our evening prayer time session. Tonight we are going to put together a nostalgic video by editing all the minutes (maybe hours) of footage. I also drank two cups of coffee today so I’m not sure if I’ll be sleeping at all tonight.

Now I am not trying to hold my tears back. At prayer they flowed freely. I feel comfortable being sad with these girls. They know they are the first and best friends I have made here in Kerala. They know how hard it is going to be to come back next year and not see them. I went to Leena, Jincy and Libya’s room after prayer and Jincy said “Chechi, we are praying that your days will go fast after this.” “Why?” I asked. “Because we know you will miss us so much.” Hahaha. They are not shy about how much I love them, and I am not shy about showing it.

I told them I am at the point where I don’t want my days to go by quickly. I want them to go by not too fast, not too slow, but just right. That is my nature though. A perfectionist to the core, attempting to control the speed of time. All I can say is, I am glad that I have spent my time wisely during this half of my year.  I am glad to have made deep friendships and strong memories. I am so thankful to God for the gift of time, even though I try and control it. I am pretty sure God giggles up in heaven when I think I can even make time move to my liking. I pray that these young women continue to be blessed as time passes by. I pray that God will hold them fast.

"If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting, time after time."-Cyndi Lauper

(this is a cheesy post with a lot of crying, so I figured a fittingly cheesy 80s song would do the trick)

The Gift of Surprise

Wednesday morning began with a special visit from my student Aparna and her mother. They have been calling my phone a lot recently because Aparna has been ill for the past two weeks. They visited to give me a bag of perikya fruit. I gave them a tour of my room and set a day for me to come visit their house. It was a really special morning surprise!

During breakfast, Mariamma Kochamma also had a surprise for me. Since I had no plans for the day, she decided that I would visit her house with her. I agreed, but I didn't quite understand the timing of when she wanted to leave. She rushed me to get ready after breakfast which resulted in some irritation. I thought she had told me we would leave in an hour! So I left for this adventure feeling a little perturbed, wondering if I was really going to enjoy the visit when I had gotten a little stressed about the speed of our departure.

The bus ride calmed me down. Feeling the air come in at me from all sides and seeing familiar towns and shops pass by helped me find my bearings. A place that was once so unfamiliar to me is now like a second home. That's a pretty cool feeling. When we arrived at Kochamma's house we were greeted by her son Santhosh and her new daughter-in-law Sunaina (Suni for short).

Suni, Kochamma, and Santhosh

Suni and I chatted a lot and watched Hindi serials in the front room. They are on par with American soap operas in their cheesy camera work and dramatic plot twists. Suni was educated in Bangalore and is now taking classes to become a medical scribe. She is in a really good scribe program, but she had to put her studies on hold to adjust to life with her new husband. Suni also has a daughter named Achoo whose father passed away. I am not sure of all the details, but I know that they seem like a very happy and loving family. Suni's energy and wit really ties them all together. She can even cheer up the sometimes grumpy Mariamma Kochamma.

Kochamma and Suni started chopping veggies for lunch. They put together a special vegetarian meal for me because for Lent I have stopped consuming meat and unnatural forms of sugar. We then moved into the kitchen so that Kochamma could make her famous ginger curry. As she cooked she taught me and Suni what ingredients she used and when. It is the first time I have had a cooking lesson in India that allowed for me to pause and go....okay so what is that spice called in English again? haha. Let's see if I can tell you the gist of the recipe for all you cooking fans out there.

Mariamma's Ginger Curry

• Mustard Seed
• Chopped Ginger
• Curry Leaves
• Finely chopped onions
• Garlic
• 1 tbs Cumin
• 5 tbs Chili Powder
• Oil (any healthy variety you have available) 
• Water
• Salt

-Heat the mustard seeds in oil and allow them to open up.

-Add ginger and sear for some time until it becomes brown 

-Add curry leaves, onions, garlic. Let the onions soften

-Add dry spices (salt, cumin, chili powder) 

-Add water as needed. Bring it to a low boil. Cook until the mixture has thickened.

nifty striped orchids

That's what I observed! Super proud that I didn't write it down but remember the ingredients still! We passed the time laughing a lot and sharing an excellent meal with ginger curry, cucumber curry, and toran (aka salad) of green beans.  

I took photos as Kochamma gave me a tour of her flowers and garden. She let me pick some of her really cool looking orchids. The petals look like they have tiger stripes on them! Achoo arrived back at the house from her playschool class at 3 o clock. She is 2 and a half and after she got used to me being a weird white lady, she fell in love with me. I should really say that we fell in love with each other. 

We shared enthusiasm for the simple things, like throwing hair clips across the room and going to get them, running and pretending like we are going to fall, shoving delicious mango, perikya and cherries into our mouths, and feeding the love birds that are caged at the house. We laughed a ton. Her laugh was so adorable and infectious that even I got sad when the time to go rolled around. 

I finally got her to look straight at the camera :)

We said our goodbyes and planned another outing sometime soon. Suni said they had two bikes and she would be willing to loan me one so that me, her, and Achoo could go to a nearby park. I am so thankful that I found her as a friend. Did I mention she has almost fluent English? That was another pleasant surprise of the day.

It was a great day trip that reminded me to always embrace surprise. You never know where it may lead you. In the case of this surprise, I also gained a key insight into the life of the mysterious, strict, and serious woman that is Mariamma Kochamma. It was good to see her joking and smiling. She is not returning to the hostel next year because she is needed at home. 

After seeing her in her natural habitat, I am so thankful that God has given her and her son the opportunity to be so happy. I am also so glad to know this side of her life and her story. It has given me some closure and a bit of a change of heart now that I understand where she is coming from and more about who she is deep down. 

"We can wait for circumstances to make up their minds, or we can decide to act, and in acting, live." - Omar Bradley

International Women's Day

The school year here at Buchanan officially ends on March 30th. Most of the younger students that make up the "Children's hostel" in B.I. Boarding have now narrowed their exams down to only two....so today was the day that many of them decided to go home and commute for those two exams that take place around the 27th of this month. 

My favorite best friends duo

This morning I woke up and started making cards for the girls. As I crammed all of the things I wanted to say inside decorated paper hearts, it amazed me how much I had to say to them.

They taught me to play, laugh, and enjoy the little things in life here in Kerala. Some of the younger girls are also not returning next year, so I will most likely only see them around on campus. Specifically the "best friends" duo of Athira and Reshmi are not returning.

I will miss Reshmi throwing sticks up into the mango tree to see if she can get one to fall. I will miss cracking up with Athira for no reason. I will miss singing songs with Reshmi while we do everyday tasks. I will miss hearing Athira try to sing along

from left to right: Anu, Athira, Reshmi, Shilpa, Shemi

Kunya, Vava and Anu

Today I also watched Shilpa, Shemi, Jincy, Remya, Vava, Kunya, Anju and Anu leave the building. Anu, Kunya and Vava are sisters and favorites of the older girls. They lingered for a long time giving kisses, receiving kisses, and shedding a few tears. They are saying goodbye for good to the Second Year TTC students. There are endless things that I will miss about these girls, but luckily I will see them again in June. It is difficult to imagine two months of my life in which Jincy's questions, Shemi's insistence in calling me "Miss", and time spent washing clothes with Kunya and Vava are absent. I think all of us are feeling this strange new hole in our existence at B.I. Boarding in different ways. 

an example of a sad face

The faces tonight at prayer were all solemn and resolved. The fact that school is ending is now clear and palpable. I am always a person who has been bad with things that are ending. I usually ignore it and get sad later. That's what I did with the end of college. I don't think I realized how much I will miss that place until I started my YAV year. 

Here, things are different. I am taking this leaving thing hard because this is my family. I am so emotionally attached to them because they have guided me and loved me through the first part of my year here. I don't want them to leave. I have that "What will I do without them?" narrative going on in my head. 

I realized today that I am blessed to feel this strongly for my hostel girls, but I also am being a bit selfish. They are getting to visit their families. They are going to spend quality time with their parents, siblings and neighbors. The summer is a chance for them to go back to their places and feel grounded again. I am excited for them and so happy that they get to go back early.

So, today I spent International Women's Day surrounded by the beautiful smiles, hugs and kisses of the girls who assure me each day that God is here, working through us daily. I think that is the most honest way I have ever spent this day in my whole life. 

"God sent children for another purpose than merely to keep up the race--to enlarge our hearts; and to make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections; to give our souls higher aims; to call out all our faculties to extend enterprise and exertion; and to bring round our fireside bright faces, happy smiles, and loving, tender hearts." - Mary Botham Howitt taken from The Treasury of Women's Quotations

Jincy and me :)

Share the Well

Sharing is something we are all taught at a young age. We share our crayons, share our toys, and as we grow, we share our knowledge. People in Kerala are amazingly good at sharing both their things and their thoughts.

I literally just got finished eating rice off of the floor of one of the Second Year TTC students' room. Let me explain, because that may sound really weird to you. Merlin's father came to visit today and he brought her a ton of amazing food: Rice, chutney, toran (cabbage salad), two kinds of pickle, and some other things. The spirit of sharing in the hostel is so pervasive that Merlin didn't even have to think about it. Of course she was going to share the food with all of us.

When food is packed up "to go" style in Kerala, it will be one of two ways almost every time. One way is to pack it in a metal tiffin box, which is very secure and provides a good solid way to separate out all of the components of a traditional meal. The second way is to flatten out and clean a banana leaf, place the entire meal on to the leaf, fold the leaf around the meal and then wrap the leaf in newspaper. It sounds strange, but it works really really well. 

Merlin's father utilized the banana leaf option to wrap up all of the goodies. This is not the first time I have joined the girls in feasting on homemade dishes. In fact, this opportunity presents itself at least once a month and I always get excited for it. 

Mainly I enjoy this time because there is something about sitting and eating mountains of rice on a crowded concrete floor that also leads to sharing stories, laughs and ideas. One of the first times I shared food this way with the girls, they asked me to tell a ghost story. We have also shared our feelings on arranged marriage versus love marriage, the challenges of teaching, and other serious topics of discussion while gathering around a banana leaf. 

So tonight when Merlin looked at me and said "Chechi, will you remember this?" my mind went racing through all of the wonderful ways this community has shared with me this year. We have shared our innermost selves with each other, despite the language barrier, despite how busy we all are, and despite our struggles. Recently we have all been sharing in the struggle to preserve the very scarce supply of water we have. It seems that all of those challenges have only united us more.  

I responded with my whole heart, "Merlin, I will. Always." 

By sharing these little gifts with each other, we have widened the well of our knowledge, love, and mutual respect. I found myself walking away from this meal humming a Caedmon's Call song that applies perfectly to this situation of sharing abundantly, even when we are sharing moments of difficulty and scarcity.

Merlin trying to pick Joshmi up

All God's creatures share the water hole 
The blessed day the monsoon comes 
And in His image we are woven 
Every likeness every one 
From Kashmir to Kerala 
Under every banyan tree 
Mothers for their children cry 
With empty jar and bended knee 

Share the well, share with your brother 
Share the well my friend 
It takes a deeper well to love one another 
Share the well my friend 

-from "Share the Well" by Caedmon's Call

To the Positive

Sometimes we all need to get away. It is part of life. We all need short breaks from the real world. I feel like each pause I take here in India help me gain some perspective.

Much has happened since my last blog post. My camera is temporarily out of order, so you will have to visualize all of this as I attempt to write it like a master storyteller. (haha)

This past weekend we had a holiday called Siva Ratri. It is a Hindu holiday during which devotees of Siva have an all night meditative vigil and reflect upon death and life. It fell on a Monday, so school was cancelled and the hostel was closed. For the first two nights of my holiday I stayed with my Malayalam tutor, Sanila Teacher.

Her cooking was so good, I think I am ruined for life. I also had to loosen my churidar bottoms after the big meals she and her family shared with me. We also had some really meaningful conversations. She claims that she has very little English, but we talked so much about her life experiences, my life ambitions, and so much more. It was so comforting to be able to share so openly with such an amazing woman.

Saramilla

The Second Year TTI students swimming in paperwork for their final  files. There is one file for all of their 8 subjects. They are handwritten, and each subject's file is over 100 pages (Believe me, I counted in amazement).  

I have recently discovered some of the inherent problems in saying words like "onumilla" (nothing),"kuzhappam illa" (no problem) and specifically "saramilla" (it doesn't matter/ it's alright). I use these words everyday. They are helpful when I have trouble explaining things, when I get frustrated and others show concern, and when I feel inadequate.

It is almost a "Hakuna Matata" way of looking at life. Sometimes this can be a really productive and helpful way to cease conflict and save time and effort. But why am I so quick to give up on some of the things that matter most? I say "it doesn't matter" when I feel that it is better to back down than to voice my true feelings.

Is this what Christ calls us to do? To be people who sit down and believe that our problems are just going to turn out alright? I believe that is not the case. Biblically that is not the case at all. Christ took on the burdens of those who are heavy laden. Christ sacrificed in order to stand up for his beliefs and the needs of the other.

525,600 Minutes

This song from the musical Rent has been stuck in my head for the past few days. It's a good reminder of how I should see the time that I have in India. It also reminds me of Madison because her blog was named after a line from the song.

A Bountiful Harvest

On Friday of last week I got to go on the 5th standard tour to Neendoor Farms. It was so fun listening to the little ones sing songs and dance. The farm was beautiful and had all kinds of animals. They locked up all of the dogs in cages though, which made me a little sad.

I will always remember this day as “the day of eating” because the children showered me with cookies, candy, and 2 ice creams while Jessy Teacher packed me a huge lunch. I accepted them all graciously, but I don’t think I have been more stuffed in my life.

Truth in Action

Looking at all of my recent posts, I think I said the word “I” over 200 times. Of course there is nothing wrong with that since a blog is about my interpretations, but today it feels a little ingenuine to look back at all of my blogs and see me as the center. It gives of a false illusion that I am the one doing a lot for this community. In truth, this community is doing more for me than I could possibly do for it. The Hostel ‘s schedule is also my schedule.  The church and school communities I am a part of have embraced me. I take daily walks through a Dalit community that is constantly reaching out to me. These surrounding and people are truly the reason why my time in India is so challenging and simultaneously so rewarding.

Omega and Alpha: Beggining and End

Christmas had me so busy, I even forgot to write in my journal a lot. Sorry all of this information is coming to you late and in a really lengthy post, but I feel that it is important to tell you as much as I can about my experience of a Kerala Christmas.

My Speechly College friends!

The week before we left for Christmas I had 3 programs to attend and participate in.  I sang with the Speechly College choir on Tuesday the 20th even though I had a pretty awful cold. We sang Oh Come All Ye Faithful, Deck The Halls, Silent Night and 2 Malayalam songs. It was really fun for me to learn the Malayalam songs and I had them stuck in my head all throughout the Christmas season. At the Speechly College program they had a Santa Claus with Michael Jackson-esque dance moves and Santa gave me a really cute little stuffed snowman as a gift of appreciation. I also sang O Holy Night as a solo for the program.

Merry Christmas!!!

As a Christmas present to you all I am uploading the two videos I have been working on to show you a bit about my life at Buchanan. A more detailed post is on the way about Christmas and all the joy it has brought me here in  Kerala!