Time After Time

The Second Years from left to right: Vanitha, Libya, Lintu, Joshmi, Me, Leena, Deepa, Merlin, Jincy and Tincy. 

I am sitting here crying, trying to pull it together for prayer. This is the Second year TTC students’ last full day at the hostel. They leave tomorrow morning after a candle light ceremony and breakfast. We have spent this last day together well. I’d like to share some of it with you.

First you have to know that Mariamma Kochamma has a phone that plays the radio. She plays it at all times. This morning a song came on the radio at breakfast that made us all sing along. It was the song Onaveyil. I remembered watching the Second years teaching the children’s hostel how to dance to this song. The children performed their dance at our boarding Christmas program. Across the table, plates and tea, the Second years acted out the dance. It made me really happy to see them dance sitting down.

We then moved to prayer. Each day during exams the Second year girls have been going to our hostel morning prayer and an additional prayer service that they have organized at the school’s chapel. For the last three mornings I have joined them. They sing a song, read a verse from the bible, pray for quite some time, then sit in the pews for a final bible reading. Today instead of doing a bible reading in the pews, we sat in silence facing the front. Suddenly all of the girl counted off “1-2-3-start”

“Happy Birthday to you…” was sung to Leena in the pews. Today was her birthday. Leena is the only girl in the hostel who is almost my exact age. Actually she is a month older than me. Today she turned 23. As we all faced the front and she listened to her best friends sing her a final happy birthday song, she started to cry. So did many of the other girls. It marked the mood for the day, both joyful and sad.

I worked on a few projects as the girls packed their bags. Many also went to the nearby town of Chingavanam to buy goodies. One of my projects today was for a girl who is also leaving the hostel for good, Aleena. Aleena speaks English very well and asked me to write her a story with illustrations and a princess. Those were her demands, so last night I took off writing. Before I knew it I had written 7 pages…then 9 pages…. then 15 pages….and by the end of it I had completed a 20 page story (handwritten) with illustrations. It is a story within a story actually, and I am pretty proud of it. The title of it is “Camels and Kings: the Ragtime Adventures”. The title is a work in progress. haha. Maybe someday I will post it on here if you guys are interested in reading it.

(This next part is written after evening prayer)

 The rest of the day I wrote little notes on bookmarks that I was going to give the Second year girls at evening prayer. I also gave them special gifts. They were just little novelty crystal models for 25 rupees a piece….maybe the best way I have ever spent my money. The girls also donated a spanking new tablecloth to the study lounge. It was a good way to contribute to beautifying our hostel.

After tea and during evening prayer we had a huge filming session. We filmed songs, dramatic and adorable walking scenes, scenery shots, and ten minutes of our evening prayer time session. Tonight we are going to put together a nostalgic video by editing all the minutes (maybe hours) of footage. I also drank two cups of coffee today so I’m not sure if I’ll be sleeping at all tonight.

Now I am not trying to hold my tears back. At prayer they flowed freely. I feel comfortable being sad with these girls. They know they are the first and best friends I have made here in Kerala. They know how hard it is going to be to come back next year and not see them. I went to Leena, Jincy and Libya’s room after prayer and Jincy said “Chechi, we are praying that your days will go fast after this.” “Why?” I asked. “Because we know you will miss us so much.” Hahaha. They are not shy about how much I love them, and I am not shy about showing it.

I told them I am at the point where I don’t want my days to go by quickly. I want them to go by not too fast, not too slow, but just right. That is my nature though. A perfectionist to the core, attempting to control the speed of time. All I can say is, I am glad that I have spent my time wisely during this half of my year.  I am glad to have made deep friendships and strong memories. I am so thankful to God for the gift of time, even though I try and control it. I am pretty sure God giggles up in heaven when I think I can even make time move to my liking. I pray that these young women continue to be blessed as time passes by. I pray that God will hold them fast.

"If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting, time after time."-Cyndi Lauper

(this is a cheesy post with a lot of crying, so I figured a fittingly cheesy 80s song would do the trick)

The Gift of Surprise

Wednesday morning began with a special visit from my student Aparna and her mother. They have been calling my phone a lot recently because Aparna has been ill for the past two weeks. They visited to give me a bag of perikya fruit. I gave them a tour of my room and set a day for me to come visit their house. It was a really special morning surprise!

During breakfast, Mariamma Kochamma also had a surprise for me. Since I had no plans for the day, she decided that I would visit her house with her. I agreed, but I didn't quite understand the timing of when she wanted to leave. She rushed me to get ready after breakfast which resulted in some irritation. I thought she had told me we would leave in an hour! So I left for this adventure feeling a little perturbed, wondering if I was really going to enjoy the visit when I had gotten a little stressed about the speed of our departure.

The bus ride calmed me down. Feeling the air come in at me from all sides and seeing familiar towns and shops pass by helped me find my bearings. A place that was once so unfamiliar to me is now like a second home. That's a pretty cool feeling. When we arrived at Kochamma's house we were greeted by her son Santhosh and her new daughter-in-law Sunaina (Suni for short).

Suni, Kochamma, and Santhosh

Suni and I chatted a lot and watched Hindi serials in the front room. They are on par with American soap operas in their cheesy camera work and dramatic plot twists. Suni was educated in Bangalore and is now taking classes to become a medical scribe. She is in a really good scribe program, but she had to put her studies on hold to adjust to life with her new husband. Suni also has a daughter named Achoo whose father passed away. I am not sure of all the details, but I know that they seem like a very happy and loving family. Suni's energy and wit really ties them all together. She can even cheer up the sometimes grumpy Mariamma Kochamma.

Kochamma and Suni started chopping veggies for lunch. They put together a special vegetarian meal for me because for Lent I have stopped consuming meat and unnatural forms of sugar. We then moved into the kitchen so that Kochamma could make her famous ginger curry. As she cooked she taught me and Suni what ingredients she used and when. It is the first time I have had a cooking lesson in India that allowed for me to pause and go....okay so what is that spice called in English again? haha. Let's see if I can tell you the gist of the recipe for all you cooking fans out there.

Mariamma's Ginger Curry

• Mustard Seed
• Chopped Ginger
• Curry Leaves
• Finely chopped onions
• Garlic
• 1 tbs Cumin
• 5 tbs Chili Powder
• Oil (any healthy variety you have available) 
• Water
• Salt

-Heat the mustard seeds in oil and allow them to open up.

-Add ginger and sear for some time until it becomes brown 

-Add curry leaves, onions, garlic. Let the onions soften

-Add dry spices (salt, cumin, chili powder) 

-Add water as needed. Bring it to a low boil. Cook until the mixture has thickened.

nifty striped orchids

That's what I observed! Super proud that I didn't write it down but remember the ingredients still! We passed the time laughing a lot and sharing an excellent meal with ginger curry, cucumber curry, and toran (aka salad) of green beans.  

I took photos as Kochamma gave me a tour of her flowers and garden. She let me pick some of her really cool looking orchids. The petals look like they have tiger stripes on them! Achoo arrived back at the house from her playschool class at 3 o clock. She is 2 and a half and after she got used to me being a weird white lady, she fell in love with me. I should really say that we fell in love with each other. 

We shared enthusiasm for the simple things, like throwing hair clips across the room and going to get them, running and pretending like we are going to fall, shoving delicious mango, perikya and cherries into our mouths, and feeding the love birds that are caged at the house. We laughed a ton. Her laugh was so adorable and infectious that even I got sad when the time to go rolled around. 

I finally got her to look straight at the camera :)

We said our goodbyes and planned another outing sometime soon. Suni said they had two bikes and she would be willing to loan me one so that me, her, and Achoo could go to a nearby park. I am so thankful that I found her as a friend. Did I mention she has almost fluent English? That was another pleasant surprise of the day.

It was a great day trip that reminded me to always embrace surprise. You never know where it may lead you. In the case of this surprise, I also gained a key insight into the life of the mysterious, strict, and serious woman that is Mariamma Kochamma. It was good to see her joking and smiling. She is not returning to the hostel next year because she is needed at home. 

After seeing her in her natural habitat, I am so thankful that God has given her and her son the opportunity to be so happy. I am also so glad to know this side of her life and her story. It has given me some closure and a bit of a change of heart now that I understand where she is coming from and more about who she is deep down. 

"We can wait for circumstances to make up their minds, or we can decide to act, and in acting, live." - Omar Bradley

International Women's Day

The school year here at Buchanan officially ends on March 30th. Most of the younger students that make up the "Children's hostel" in B.I. Boarding have now narrowed their exams down to only two....so today was the day that many of them decided to go home and commute for those two exams that take place around the 27th of this month. 

My favorite best friends duo

This morning I woke up and started making cards for the girls. As I crammed all of the things I wanted to say inside decorated paper hearts, it amazed me how much I had to say to them.

They taught me to play, laugh, and enjoy the little things in life here in Kerala. Some of the younger girls are also not returning next year, so I will most likely only see them around on campus. Specifically the "best friends" duo of Athira and Reshmi are not returning.

I will miss Reshmi throwing sticks up into the mango tree to see if she can get one to fall. I will miss cracking up with Athira for no reason. I will miss singing songs with Reshmi while we do everyday tasks. I will miss hearing Athira try to sing along

from left to right: Anu, Athira, Reshmi, Shilpa, Shemi

Kunya, Vava and Anu

Today I also watched Shilpa, Shemi, Jincy, Remya, Vava, Kunya, Anju and Anu leave the building. Anu, Kunya and Vava are sisters and favorites of the older girls. They lingered for a long time giving kisses, receiving kisses, and shedding a few tears. They are saying goodbye for good to the Second Year TTC students. There are endless things that I will miss about these girls, but luckily I will see them again in June. It is difficult to imagine two months of my life in which Jincy's questions, Shemi's insistence in calling me "Miss", and time spent washing clothes with Kunya and Vava are absent. I think all of us are feeling this strange new hole in our existence at B.I. Boarding in different ways. 

an example of a sad face

The faces tonight at prayer were all solemn and resolved. The fact that school is ending is now clear and palpable. I am always a person who has been bad with things that are ending. I usually ignore it and get sad later. That's what I did with the end of college. I don't think I realized how much I will miss that place until I started my YAV year. 

Here, things are different. I am taking this leaving thing hard because this is my family. I am so emotionally attached to them because they have guided me and loved me through the first part of my year here. I don't want them to leave. I have that "What will I do without them?" narrative going on in my head. 

I realized today that I am blessed to feel this strongly for my hostel girls, but I also am being a bit selfish. They are getting to visit their families. They are going to spend quality time with their parents, siblings and neighbors. The summer is a chance for them to go back to their places and feel grounded again. I am excited for them and so happy that they get to go back early.

So, today I spent International Women's Day surrounded by the beautiful smiles, hugs and kisses of the girls who assure me each day that God is here, working through us daily. I think that is the most honest way I have ever spent this day in my whole life. 

"God sent children for another purpose than merely to keep up the race--to enlarge our hearts; and to make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections; to give our souls higher aims; to call out all our faculties to extend enterprise and exertion; and to bring round our fireside bright faces, happy smiles, and loving, tender hearts." - Mary Botham Howitt taken from The Treasury of Women's Quotations

Jincy and me :)

Share the Well

Sharing is something we are all taught at a young age. We share our crayons, share our toys, and as we grow, we share our knowledge. People in Kerala are amazingly good at sharing both their things and their thoughts.

I literally just got finished eating rice off of the floor of one of the Second Year TTC students' room. Let me explain, because that may sound really weird to you. Merlin's father came to visit today and he brought her a ton of amazing food: Rice, chutney, toran (cabbage salad), two kinds of pickle, and some other things. The spirit of sharing in the hostel is so pervasive that Merlin didn't even have to think about it. Of course she was going to share the food with all of us.

When food is packed up "to go" style in Kerala, it will be one of two ways almost every time. One way is to pack it in a metal tiffin box, which is very secure and provides a good solid way to separate out all of the components of a traditional meal. The second way is to flatten out and clean a banana leaf, place the entire meal on to the leaf, fold the leaf around the meal and then wrap the leaf in newspaper. It sounds strange, but it works really really well. 

Merlin's father utilized the banana leaf option to wrap up all of the goodies. This is not the first time I have joined the girls in feasting on homemade dishes. In fact, this opportunity presents itself at least once a month and I always get excited for it. 

Mainly I enjoy this time because there is something about sitting and eating mountains of rice on a crowded concrete floor that also leads to sharing stories, laughs and ideas. One of the first times I shared food this way with the girls, they asked me to tell a ghost story. We have also shared our feelings on arranged marriage versus love marriage, the challenges of teaching, and other serious topics of discussion while gathering around a banana leaf. 

So tonight when Merlin looked at me and said "Chechi, will you remember this?" my mind went racing through all of the wonderful ways this community has shared with me this year. We have shared our innermost selves with each other, despite the language barrier, despite how busy we all are, and despite our struggles. Recently we have all been sharing in the struggle to preserve the very scarce supply of water we have. It seems that all of those challenges have only united us more.  

I responded with my whole heart, "Merlin, I will. Always." 

By sharing these little gifts with each other, we have widened the well of our knowledge, love, and mutual respect. I found myself walking away from this meal humming a Caedmon's Call song that applies perfectly to this situation of sharing abundantly, even when we are sharing moments of difficulty and scarcity.

Merlin trying to pick Joshmi up

All God's creatures share the water hole 
The blessed day the monsoon comes 
And in His image we are woven 
Every likeness every one 
From Kashmir to Kerala 
Under every banyan tree 
Mothers for their children cry 
With empty jar and bended knee 

Share the well, share with your brother 
Share the well my friend 
It takes a deeper well to love one another 
Share the well my friend 

-from "Share the Well" by Caedmon's Call

To the Positive

Sometimes we all need to get away. It is part of life. We all need short breaks from the real world. I feel like each pause I take here in India help me gain some perspective.

Much has happened since my last blog post. My camera is temporarily out of order, so you will have to visualize all of this as I attempt to write it like a master storyteller. (haha)

This past weekend we had a holiday called Siva Ratri. It is a Hindu holiday during which devotees of Siva have an all night meditative vigil and reflect upon death and life. It fell on a Monday, so school was cancelled and the hostel was closed. For the first two nights of my holiday I stayed with my Malayalam tutor, Sanila Teacher.

Her cooking was so good, I think I am ruined for life. I also had to loosen my churidar bottoms after the big meals she and her family shared with me. We also had some really meaningful conversations. She claims that she has very little English, but we talked so much about her life experiences, my life ambitions, and so much more. It was so comforting to be able to share so openly with such an amazing woman.

Saramilla

The Second Year TTI students swimming in paperwork for their final  files. There is one file for all of their 8 subjects. They are handwritten, and each subject's file is over 100 pages (Believe me, I counted in amazement).  

I have recently discovered some of the inherent problems in saying words like "onumilla" (nothing),"kuzhappam illa" (no problem) and specifically "saramilla" (it doesn't matter/ it's alright). I use these words everyday. They are helpful when I have trouble explaining things, when I get frustrated and others show concern, and when I feel inadequate.

It is almost a "Hakuna Matata" way of looking at life. Sometimes this can be a really productive and helpful way to cease conflict and save time and effort. But why am I so quick to give up on some of the things that matter most? I say "it doesn't matter" when I feel that it is better to back down than to voice my true feelings.

Is this what Christ calls us to do? To be people who sit down and believe that our problems are just going to turn out alright? I believe that is not the case. Biblically that is not the case at all. Christ took on the burdens of those who are heavy laden. Christ sacrificed in order to stand up for his beliefs and the needs of the other.

525,600 Minutes

This song from the musical Rent has been stuck in my head for the past few days. It's a good reminder of how I should see the time that I have in India. It also reminds me of Madison because her blog was named after a line from the song.

A Bountiful Harvest

On Friday of last week I got to go on the 5th standard tour to Neendoor Farms. It was so fun listening to the little ones sing songs and dance. The farm was beautiful and had all kinds of animals. They locked up all of the dogs in cages though, which made me a little sad.

I will always remember this day as “the day of eating” because the children showered me with cookies, candy, and 2 ice creams while Jessy Teacher packed me a huge lunch. I accepted them all graciously, but I don’t think I have been more stuffed in my life.

Truth in Action

Looking at all of my recent posts, I think I said the word “I” over 200 times. Of course there is nothing wrong with that since a blog is about my interpretations, but today it feels a little ingenuine to look back at all of my blogs and see me as the center. It gives of a false illusion that I am the one doing a lot for this community. In truth, this community is doing more for me than I could possibly do for it. The Hostel ‘s schedule is also my schedule.  The church and school communities I am a part of have embraced me. I take daily walks through a Dalit community that is constantly reaching out to me. These surrounding and people are truly the reason why my time in India is so challenging and simultaneously so rewarding.

Omega and Alpha: Beggining and End

Christmas had me so busy, I even forgot to write in my journal a lot. Sorry all of this information is coming to you late and in a really lengthy post, but I feel that it is important to tell you as much as I can about my experience of a Kerala Christmas.

My Speechly College friends!

The week before we left for Christmas I had 3 programs to attend and participate in.  I sang with the Speechly College choir on Tuesday the 20th even though I had a pretty awful cold. We sang Oh Come All Ye Faithful, Deck The Halls, Silent Night and 2 Malayalam songs. It was really fun for me to learn the Malayalam songs and I had them stuck in my head all throughout the Christmas season. At the Speechly College program they had a Santa Claus with Michael Jackson-esque dance moves and Santa gave me a really cute little stuffed snowman as a gift of appreciation. I also sang O Holy Night as a solo for the program.

Merry Christmas!!!

As a Christmas present to you all I am uploading the two videos I have been working on to show you a bit about my life at Buchanan. A more detailed post is on the way about Christmas and all the joy it has brought me here in  Kerala!

Joyful and Triumphant

After our lovely Christmas program at Buchanan on Tuesday, all of the schools in the area began exams before Christmas break. In other words, I have no work to do. At first I was anxious about this fact, but my schedule filled up quickly with choir practices with the Speechly College Choir and other Christmas programs to attend. I am teaching them 3 carols that we will sing on Thursday of this week. They have been really fun to work with. I practice with them every afternoon starting at 2 o clock, but until 2 my plan is pretty much just lounging around. On Wednesday I hung out with an 8 year old named Richa. She had a study break from exams in the morning, so I helped her study English and she helped me study Malayalam in the staff room. Later she came to my room and drew me some pictures and wrote really sweet things like “Curtis I love you” and “Rachel I love you” but my favorite part was one drawing that says “Them I vill kum for your house breakfast or lunch.” I asked her what she meant and she said “I am coming to your house someday to meet your brother.” It was one of those “Zaccheus” moments. Haha. I knew I was being ministered to by her energetic and thoughtful presence. She also explored my 90s pop music as she played Chess Titans on my computer.  She asked for a few of my markers, which she called pens, and I gave them to her freely. Sure enough, she has come to visit my room each day last week. I am happy to have a new friend.

Laughing With God

In my last post I referenced that the people I am surrounded by make me laugh. This is often true, but a better way to put it is that I am constantly surrounded by laughter. Sometimes it is positive laughter, but often it feels different.  So many moments have passed in which I have asked myself this question. Am I being laughed at, or laughed with? 

The Bear Necessities

The title of this post is not “The Bare Necessities” for a reason. I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine.

His name is Mr. Bear. I am admitting to the world that at age 22 I still sleep with a stuffed animal. Think what you like, but I couldn’t imagine being in India without him. He was sitting on my dresser the day that I was born. He was a gift from my grandmother. He is the only one here who has known me my whole life.  He is pretty special to me. He is especially a comfort to me when I am sick. And guess what? I’m sick again.  I found out that the Malayalam word for cold is “jelladoshum”, which means “water curse” when translated literally. The word curse seems appropriate for the amount of illness I have been dealing with here. So the beginning of this week was difficult. I found myself being really negative about my health which made me a little negative about my surroundings.  In other words, I got very very homesick.  Luckily, these past few days have helped me remain positive.

Beautiful Beauty

I think I have a permanent hang up on the concept of beauty. During my studies at Austin College I had a few courses on feminist studies, but one class called Feminist Thought with professor Mark Hebert sticks in my mind when I think of beauty. We had a few weeks in the class in which we focused specifically on advertising.  I think I can speak for the whole class when I say, our eyes were opened to how much power advertising holds not just on capital, but on ideas. Ads captivate even our faintest notions of a concept.  In the U.S. the beauty market’s arms spread incredibly wide. Because of this ever spreading influence, our perception of beauty has changed throughout the years. We have slowly shifted from the Marilyn Monroe years into what I like to call “the starved years.”  Models must give off an air of perfection because they are selling the perfect teeth, the perfect hair, the perfect skin, the perfect body. Yet the women other women see in advertising are emaciated and unnaturally thin for developed adults. Is this really perfection?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Dinner

One of the adorable hand turkeys last week. By Richel, she means Rachel

After the church service at Pulard Church

TTC students and me in my Sari!

Mysore and More!

    Last Week I embarked on a journey with the 1oth standard classes at Buchanan. We went on tour to Mysore in two buses fully packed with students. There was one English Medium bus and one Malayalam Medium bus (“medium” means which language they focus most on in school) and I sat on the Malayalam Medium bus. I sat next to two girls, Adira and Shruti for the entire trip. They were very good companions to me while I was on the bus and off. So we sat down, ready to drive all night and some of the next day to get to our destinations. Parents crowded around the bus yelling in the windows telling the girls to stay safe. We pulled away and not 2 minutes down the road, the lights suddenly went off and the music was pulsing-in-your-chest loud. The girls all started dancing in the center aisle. The next time I looked up there was a LASER SHOW in the bus, I kid you not. The girls dragged me on to the dance floor and I danced with them like no one was watching. Dancing with them amidst the lasers and the far too loud music that first night is a feeling I will not soon forget.  The original excitement of the music (the first pop music I have heard since being here in India) faded over time. At 6 a.m. (maybe earlier) the music was bumping again. I tried to stay enthusiastic, but given my awful sleep in the bus, I was just plain exhausted.

The Pray-time in the Playtime

 I woke up Saturday morning with tons of energy. Breakfast helped me maintain an even happier attitude because it was one of my favorites, chopati and potato curry. Chopati is a flat bread very similar to a tortilla made with wheat flour, water and oil and cooked on a flat surface. The potato curry is really the best part of this breakfast because it contains all of the things I love about food: heaps of garlic, onions cooked until they are almost mush, mustard seed and small pieces of potato throughout. The resulting curry actually reminds me of a hearty, traditional German potato salad. I then asked Mariamma Kochamma if I could pray at evening prayer and she said yes!  So, while I lingered in heaven post breakfast, I actually sat and re-read one of my books called Praying in Color. The author outlines a way to pray with colored pencils and markers that really speaks to me. It is especially relevant for me to resort to this child like stage of “coloring” as I teach and learn from kids.  I did a drawing in my journal based on a verse from John Phillip Newell’s new book of prayers and then went next door to the children’s hostel.

 I brought a set of “I Spy” cards and played a memory game with the girls for hours. I forgot how fun it is to sit and play a game that really makes people of all ages think. At the end of each game when we counted up our pairs, none of the girls pointed to the person with the least amount of cards and called them a “loser.” One of us came in first place, one came in second, and the rest were in last place. There is such a huge difference between those two concepts, and they recognized that. It was such an amazingly inclusive philosophy, essentially pointing out that there are no winners and losers. We all deserved credit for playing the whole game. We took a break for lunch and when we came back there was a bit of a distraction from game playing. We had a snake in the bushes. The girls reactions were priceless and hilarious. They took turns shouting “pamba, pamba, pamba” (the Malayalam word for snake) and pointing so I could see it hiding in the middle of the bush. I did see it, but it didn’t seem that scary all hidden and tucked away. It looked like it was kind of….happy just relaxing in its natural habitat. The girls however, wanted to kill it. Reshmi and Anu were the funniest. Reshmi stood on the other side of the bush throwing handfuls of dirt toward the snake. Once it was out of sight Anu took matters into her own hands. She grabbed a long broom handle and started poking in the bush. I tried to tell them that these actions were probably not a good idea and may make the snake angrier, but most of it was lost amidst the screams and my broken efforts at Malayalam. When I said “Snakes isch ta mayi,”the girls looked at me like I was crazy because I had just said “I like snakes” in Malayalam. It was my feeble attempt to get them to back away from a bush that contained unknown danger. We also had a visit from a millipede that Anu could and did kill. We then had a funeral for the millipede and Kunya, Anu’s sister, acted as the wife in mourning. She pulled her hair and fake cried and placed flowers on the milipede’s grave. We were all rolling with laughter. We danced and sang and told the older girls later of the snake and the defeat of the millipede. I love spending time with the younger girls because I think at heart I am approximately 12 years old.

Later I went over to K.N.H. Hostel. I would like to correct one of my earlier blog posts because the hostel is actually financed by donors in (once again) Germany. There are actually K.N.H. Hostels all around Kerala. I went over and spoke with Jolly the child care coordinator about what day is convenient for me to visit and play with the girls. I noticed that in the corner of her office there was a nice computer with a wireless internet connection that was turned off and looked as if it hadn’t been touched in forever. I asked her about it and she said she can never remember how to do anything on the computer. That is one thing that I told her I could easily teach her. She was grateful and said we should work out a time to practice her skills. We went outside with the girls and played a name game, freeze tag and Badminton. Fun fact: Badminton is called “Shuttle-butt” here. I have no idea why, but occasionally I let out an immature giggle when it is mentioned. I hadn’t exercised or been out in the sun for that long since I got sick with my infection, so I went back to my room to drink water and relax. I came back to find the girls at my hostel pulling weeds and singing songs across the yard to each other. Not two minutes after my return, I heard a knock on my door. It was Joshmi and Lindu, two girls I have really bonded with since they are second year students and live on the bottom floor of the hostel with me. Joshmi said she needed to go to Aksa’s Studio and that they needed my help finding materials for teaching to put on a CD. I jumped at the first opportunity I have had to go anywhere outside the hostel with the students. Since it was a necessity for their school work it also didn’t come across as playing favorites, which I am thankful for.

We walked to Aksa’s and found that the website they were given didn’t work. I worked the keyboard as they told me what they needed for their lessons on animals. They needed photos of omnivores, lizards, horned animals fighting, carnivores eating their pray and the life cycle of a frog to name a few. They laughed at some of my squeamish reactions to animals brutally devouring other animals and oohed and ahhed at the results of each image search on Google. Each time a page came up they said they wanted all of the photos. We copied around 110 photos onto their CDs, so I almost fully obeyed their request. I then showed them my Facebook page and some photos of my time here in Kerala, family and friends. Lindu then shyly asked me if I could search a movie she wanted to see. She tended to focus on one very popular Tamil actor named Surya. She gasped, fanned herself and told me that he was her favorite and that she thought of him as a brother. I couldn’t help but love seeing this girl all wrapped up in her idol. It was so endearing to think that girls all across the world react to their favorite movie star this way. Josh Hartnett used to get a similar response from me when I was her age. I told her I could take some of his pictures on my USB drive if she wanted, and she jumped at the idea. We left happily and parted ways because K.N.H. had invited me to be part of their evening prayer.

At K.N.H. the girls used tambourines and drums to sing two Malayalam songs. We read Bible verses and I taught the girls “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands”. I prayed and ran back to the Buchanan Hostel to make it to my scheduled evening prayer. I ran in a little late, but only into the first song. Kochamma thanked me for my prayer and then asked in her very small amount of English, “You pray for me?” I responded that I did every night, which is true.

It was a day truly soaked with prayer. I am so thankful that God sent me the gift of a day filled with rewarding worship. Maybe God is telling me that I am worshiping every day without even knowing it. I feel so blessed to be here sweating, singing, laughing, praying and playing. Tuesday until Thursday night I am traveling to another state with the 10^th grade class. We are going on the class tour to the city of Mysore in the neighboring state of Karnataka. I am told it has nice gardens and a beautiful palace. I am excited to experience something new with this wonderful community. Who knows what thrills await on the trip! I am ready for another adventure in playtime.

“Play is honest. You can’t play unless you are yourself. When we pray, God wants us to be ourselves, not some image of ourselves, but the real thing. Playfulness can take us to a place of honesty and allow us to temporarily drop our external persona.” – from Praying in Color by Sybil MacBeth

Home

Meditating. It is truly an art. I don’t know how many times I have attempted to quiet my mind and just meditate on a saying, word or thought. It is difficult to concentrate in a place constantly buzzing with noise and life. The main places that I have recently enjoyed meditating sound a little funny, but I will explain. I meditate on the roof of my hostel in the early morning and in auto rickshaws.

The roof of the hostel is a big open area with a few clothes lines for drying, partially covered in case of rain. Being up there alone makes me feel centered. I feel as if I am surveying the land I now belong to kind of like Simba in the Lion King, except I am not a ruler of the land. The land is my ruler in many ways, and this fact helps me to quiet my mind and accept being part of this place. The people of this land almost worship it with their devotion. Connecting to it is the only way I can truly honor my time in “God’s Own Country.” I sit with my thoughts, do yoga, and sometimes dance up there when I feel like it. It is sacred ground. Sometimes I am “being still” and acknowledging God’s presence, and sometimes I get so happy I am forced to move. I feel so at peace when I celebrate nature in this way.

My meditation in the auto rickshaw is kind of the opposite of my rooftop meditation practice. An auto rickshaw is public transportation, like a taxi. It consists of a motorcycle- type driving mechanism in the front area where the driver sits. Fondly referred to as an “auto,” the vehicle has three wheels and is generally covered in the front and back complete with a small windshield, but open on the sides. The back is normally a long, fairly comfortable bench type seat. On days when buses are pretty chaotic sometimes it is nice to take an auto. I also take one every Thursday to my classes at Pakil and CMS school. I have noticed that there is just something about wind in my face that makes me want to pray. Bouncing along in an auto with wind blowing in at all sides, horns honking, and the smells of the road assaulting my senses, I meditate. I practice quieting my mind amongst these hectic surroundings. As I breathe I feel more and more patient. I forget my control-freak ways and simply trust that the driver will get me where I need to go. In the auto I also use a prayer that I learned from my Vocational Discernment Journal. It is called the “Here I am” prayer. You start by simply taking in your surroundings and saying “here I am in ________.” In this case I would say “here I am in an auto rickshaw.” As you get used to your environment you change the saying to simply “here I am,” declaring your presence in the space. You can repeat that as many times as you need to feel secure in this announcement. The final part of the prayer is a really cool conclusion that never ceases to amaze me. As I sit in the back of an auto saying, “here I am in the presence of God,” I feel like a part of something big. It is great to realize that nothing is untouched by God, and it reminds me to stay focused on the fact that no matter what, I am never out of God’s presence.

I also have started saying something new as I ride along. Thursday I quietly whispered “this is my home.” It just kind of came naturally as I took the familiar road to Pakil school. It felt right and true. I declared it many times as I passed workers and homes and trees. The wind luckily carries my strange whispering away from the driver and into the atmosphere. Even if the breeze didn’t hide my voice I think I would still talk in the back of an auto. I am that crazy, crunchy, hippie girl talking to herself again. That is alright with me.

Later that day at CMS Upper Primary school, I talked freely with the English teacher about a gift of mine that I really miss using. Singing. Singing is honestly another form of meditation for me and without having a choir to belong to, I feel like a teammate without a team. Sunitha, the English teacher said on the spot that there were two teachers at CMS who belonged to local choirs. She introduced me to both of them and they said both choirs would have no problem helping me along with Manglish (Malayalam words translated to English letters for easy pronunciation) to learn the songs! I am so thankful for the opportunity to praise God through music. It is an exciting development that will make me feel even more at home here.

“The one thing in the world of value is the active soul.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

First Year students in the hostel, my home.

Recovery

        November has already proven to be an interesting month, but for now I would like to revisit the end of October. I haven’t documented YAV retreat number 2 on my blog, so here is a quick review of some of the events. Wednesday October 26th was Diwali, so I left early Wednesday morning to visit Aluva. Nicole, Ian, and Claudia joined us on Thursday and we began Retreat number 2. Thursday, I searched and searched for Parks and Recreation on the Internet, and sure enough, I got to watch 3 whole episodes of my favorite show! On Friday our day was fairly….intense. We spent almost all day long sharing. First we shared reflections in Bible Study, then opened up to the larger things we have been encountering this past month. We shared all of the wonderful things about our sites, and also openly shared about our hardships. It was also Betty Kochamma’s Birthday on Friday! We had a nice celebration for her with friends and family, great food and great music. Binu played some really some of her favorite songs. Achen fed her cake. It was a really beautiful display of family love. I am so grateful that we are now a part of their family as well. On Saturday we went to a mall. Yes….a mall. We all found a few goodies from a bookstore very similar to Barnes and Noble. I spoiled myself with a few movies! On Saturday night I skyped with my family and I was reminded of how lucky I am to be blessed with their awesomeness.  On Sunday October 30^th we went to church, had some lunch, and boarded a train back to Kottayam. I was sad to leave the little oasis that is the Aluva house. It was a great time for a little bit of pampering, comfort, and joy. I rested that night ready for school the next day and excited to be back at Buchanan.

 October 31^st was full of a few scary things as usual, but not the kind with trick-or-treating. I woke up with a high fever. Luckily on the Buchanan campus we have a “hospital.” I put it in quotes not because it is a fake hospital or is unworthy of the title hospital, I would just like for all of you readers to adjust your idea of what a hospital is for a moment. In the U.S. people in hospitals are very sick, constantly monitored, and hooked up to all kinds of machinery charting the progress of the gravely ill patient. You probably recall your last trip to an American hospital, and when you read the word here, you may be projecting that experience ever so slightly into my explanation of the medical system. Please don’t. Stay Calm. In Kerala hospitals are for the sick, of course, but they are for all kinds of illnesses. Every illness is welcome in a hospital because each hospital has specialists who can cater to different sicknesses. So the hospital doubles as a doctor’s office for many illnesses that in the U.S. we would normally just get a pill for and go home. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I will continue my story.

The Doctor at the Buchanan hospital didn’t really know what to do with my unrelated symptoms of nausea, but he did see that I had a severe ear infection in both ears. If this diagnosis sounds familiar to you close friends and family, you are right! I had an ear infection in August after Stony Point before I came to India. So, with some advice from the teachers, I went to Mandiram Hospital. They told me I might be there for up to three days so I packed some clothes and hoped for the best. Nicole lives and works at Mandiram Society which is part of the hospital’s institution. Naturally, I gave her a call. She was sick too and her symptoms were eerily similar to mine, so we were going to be admitted to the hospital together. We were both suffering from dehydration, so we were treated for that. The ENT titled my illness a “chronic ear infection” since it hadn’t fully healed since August, and started me on Antibiotics right away. Nicole and I were right next door to each other in the M.Ward. It was a place of rest that looked very different than an Amercian hospital, but not at all bad different. There were no wires hooking up to complex machines, no bed that moved up and down with the touch of a button, and no TV. The room included a bed, an extra bed for family, and a bathroom attached to the side. My window overlooked the garden, a cleaning service came daily to keep things nice, and our food was taken care of by Mandiram Society. We were monitored very often by the nurses, and we also had many visitors from the outside world. Claudia came to visit, Jaimol Kochamma and her husband came twice, and countless members of the Mandiram staff spent their time to come see us. 

Nicole was released on Thursday the 3^rd with a good report, and I was released Friday morning with many pills and an order to continue resting. To get back on my feet, I stayed at Mandiram Society until this morning. My days were full of rest, recovery, and really good company. Nicole has been such a blessing to have during these difficult times. We worked through the challenge of being sick and far from home together. We even helped give our families some peace of mind to our greatest abilities.

This illness also helped me to recognize some small opportunities for me. An opportunity to give myself grace for my lack of energy for the past two months, an opportunity to rest and not feel lazy about resting, and an opportunity to change my focus. I became very honest with myself in many of my discussions with Nicole and started getting to the root of some of my problems as a person. I often focus too much on affirmation from external sources to feel self- worth. I am sharing it because I am aware that it is a common issue in people.  I have been lacking in my ability to internally affirm myself for my whole life. In other words, I am very self-critical and my natural internal nitpicking is doing a lot to reverse the effectiveness of my year here.  I have been reaching out to those external sources ever so slightly even here in India, and that is something that needs to stop being about affirmation and more about support.  I am not doing this year to “find myself” but I am doing it so I can focus on what I like about myself here, and in general. A huge part of discernment is internal, and I feel that it is important to become more in touch with the good things about me and how to create affirmation for myself. So here I am, back at Buchanan, ready for another week of school.  The joy of interacting with children is one thing that really helps me be myself. I like me around kids. So until I’m at a point of utter nirvana with self-acceptance, you can find me here among the children, counting the many blessings they provide.Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They were felt all the way across the world!

“If you hear a voice within you that says, ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh (the first quote I turned to  today in my quote book)